Week 6 NFL Predictions

I tried to break down the entire season before the first kickoff flew over the opposing end zone for a touchback, but I came up a little short.  I figured it would be a lot easier for my self-diagnosed adult A.D.D. if I instead went week by week with my predictions.  It also has to do with the fact that many of my predicted division winners (Falcons, Texans, Bengals, Redskins) are not having the seasons I once assumed and teams like the Chiefs and Browns are actually good.  So without any further adieu, here we go...

Thursday Night Football

New York Giants at Chicago Bears

The G-Men stumble, fumble, and bumble their way into Soldier Field to meet the B-Men who are sitting tied atop the NFC Norris division.  Jay "Can I Get a Pass Block" Cutler will tear this weak Giant secondary a new asshole, Brandon Marshall will have a career day (10+ rec, 200+ yds, 2 TDs), and Tom Coughlin will weep onto old Super Bowl XLVI memorabilia.

Bears 38 Giants 16

Sunday 1:00PM Games

Green Bay Packers at Baltimore Ravens

The Cheese Heads look to take down the Ravens at home in this battle of teams not living up to expectations.  Aaron Rodgers looked more like Kenny Rogers last week against my Lions, mainly due to the Pack's weak O-Line.  Look for the Ravens front seven to bully the boys in Green into giving up the ball and their lunch money - I got Baltimore.

Ravens 31 Packers 24

Cincinatti Bengals at Buffalo Bills

I once thought those Cats in Cincy would be a ferocious 12-4 and run away with the AFC North, but their offense ranks 23rd in the league led by a Ginger QB and a running back with four names that aren't living up to their standard thus far.  But without EJ "Are You Sure You Didn't Mean To Draft Geno" Manual, this one dimensional Bills offense will get eaten alive like a wildebeest in the Amazon - Gimme the Bengals.

Bengals 20 Bills 13

Detroit Lions at Cleveland Browns

The Browns have been a league wide "WTF" after trading away Trent Richardson and going with 3rd stringer Brian "I Used to Hand It Off to Javon" Hoyer after two games.  Their defense ranks 4th in the NFL and has propelled them into contention for the AFC North.  My Lions are most likely without Calvin Johnson for a second straight week and will not be able to stretch the field against this elite secondary.  Despite my fellow Michigan State Alum falling to a torn ACL for the season and ex-starter Brandon Weeden stepping in, this defense will shut it down.

Browns 30 Lions 27

St. Louis Rams at Houston Texans

Matt Schaub is getting criticized, stalked, and threatened more than the Olsen Twins after their 18th Birthday.  He's thrown a Pick-Six the past 4 games and I'm predicting Courtland Finnegan will make it five.  But when the Rams' 29th best offense lines up against Houston's league-best defense led by JJ Watt, it will be a bloodbath.  Arian Foster and Ben Tate will do all they can to keep the ball out of their QB's hands and massacre this crumbling St. Louis franchise.

Texans 45 Rams 10

Carolina Panthers at Minnesota Vikings

A battle of "No-One-Cares."  Adrian Peterson will eclipse 100 yards rushing and Cam Newton will to make rookie mistakes in his 3rd year.  I'll take the Vikes.

Vikings 16 Panthers 9

Oakland Raiders at Kansas City Chiefs

The Chiefs have went from worst to tied for first - Andy Reid has taken his domination of the gravy at KFC to the football field in KC. The Raiders are looking decent with Terrel Pryor under center but KC's defense will shut this otherwise weak offense down. Jamaal Charles will do his thing and Alex Smith will keep this offense nice and steady.  No brainer - Chiefs.

Chiefs 27 Raiders 13

Pittsburgh Steelers at New York Jets

The Steelers have been pitiful this season and the Jets have been "whatever" with Geno Smith taking over.  This will be the battle of two excellent coached defenses and two offenses that can't finish in the red zone.  Despite their league worst rush offense, Pittsburgh will get big final drive plays from Big Ben and former CMU Chip Antonio Brown leading them to their first dub of the season.

Steelers 16 Jets 9

Philadelphia Eagles at Tampa Bay Buccaneers

The Bucs ship is sinking and they are giving rookie Mike Glennon his first career start amid all of the turmoil.  Even though Glennon looks like the tall, lenky blue Monstar from Space Jam, there's no chance he will come through and take down the high octane Eagles offense.  Please change the channel.

Eagles 33 Bucs 17

Sunday 4:00 Games

Denver Broncos at Jacksonville Jaguars

Peyton Manning.  Enough said.

Broncos 45 Jaguars 13

Tennessee Titans at Seattle Seahawks

For some reason I like the Titans but an injured Jake Locker really hurt their cause.  Backup Ryan Fitzpatrick will have a good game handing the ball off to Chris "Hey I'm Still Fast" Johnson and throwing up prayers on 3rd down, but this Seattle defense is at home and the Legion of Boom is always hungry.  Sea Birds shut it down.

Seahawks 31 Titans 16

New Orleans Saints at New England Patriots

The 4-1 Patriots has been exposed as frauds and their luck is going to run out.  The Saints offense will out gun Tom Brady and the lack of hands he has out wide.  Drew Brees and the spirit of his removed Birth Mark will burn Foxborough to the ground.  "How ya like dem apples," Matt Damon?

Saints 38 Patriots 24

Arizona Cardinals at San Francisco 49ers

This was almost my certified upset of the week - sure the Niners are defending NFC Champs but both teams share a 3-2 record and Harbaugh's boys are already on the downward cusp of collapse.  With Larry Fitzgerald nursing more limbs that a Japanese masseuse, Carson Palmer will spread the love and confuse this dominant Niner defense enough to squeak out a win.  Cards win on a late FG.

Cardinals 16 49ers 13

Sunday Night Football

Washington Redskins at Dallas Cowboys

The NFC East is joke (again) and so are these two teams.  The Cowboys scared the Broncos last week, but like a midget at Six Flags - they came up a little short.  The Skins are still putting all of their chips on RGIII and his bionic knee, which hasn't gotten them much this season.  Even though these offenses lack serious luster, we have two of the worst defenses in the NFL and this will be a shootout to the end.  Jerry's Kids get redemption on a late FG.

Cowboys 41 Redskins 38

Monday Night Football

Indianapolis Colts at San Diego Chargers

The Colts' power run scheme has been a thorn in the side for each team they've matched up against the past two seasons and the recent addition of Trent Richardson was borderline larceny.  But hold your ponies Indy, Ahmad Bradshaw is done for the year and the Bolts know how to put up points - San Diego rocks the 5th best passing attack in the NFL.  Even though Jon Gruden will be so far up Phillip Rivers' ass it'll make you want to call Brazzers, the Colts will somehow grind out a dub.  Gimme Indy.

Colts 27 Chargers 26